Don't forget the milk


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I am at the grocery store, buying milk. I have already bought milk eleven thousand times this week. But here I am again, over my lunch break, buying milk.

A lot of women politicians and business leaders talk in vague, abstract terms about how You Can Do Anything.

The thing they don’t tell you is that when you’re off doing anything, you still have to buy the milk. Because you are a woman and more attuned to emotional labor and the Running of the Household (and also, less related to biology and the essential differences between men and women but really more because you have the car on weekdays), this an obligation you will continue to fulfill until the day you die or the robot revolution occurs (please, God ,Hal, any day now.) At least you get to put more steps on your FitBit.

At first, you will buy separate, fancy organic goat milk to transition your toddler to real milk after you read the mom forums that say that anything less is equivalent to murder. Then you realize that mom forums are stupid and switch to organic whole milk. Then you realize that organic products are most likely bullshit and switch to normal whole milk.

All this time, you are buying two different containers, the 2% milk for you and your husband, and then the special Toddler Elixir of Life. Both of these will run out at different, hard-to-predict times, which means, you are spending 99% of your non-working hours at the grocery store.

The other 1% of your time, you are serving the milk, cleaning up the milk, and figuring out what to put the milk in to get your toddler to drink it but so that they don’t recognize it’s actually milk (your toddler hates milk), like you are some kind of Looney Tunes villain. You are also violently resisting the urge to comment on mom forums to tell everyone they are absolutely crazy.

While your toddler is tricked into eating milk in kashas, all of a sudden your husband is out of milk for his nightly post-run bro fuel sessions, and you are out of milk you’ve been eating with cereal as a breakfast, lunch, and dinner because you are too lazy to cook anything after spending 99% of your time in the grocery store.

Then your toddler stops drinking milk completely, so your grocery store visits are supplemented by a cartful of cheese, yogurt, sour cream, and any other dairy byproducts that will ensure your child doesn’t get scurvy, like some 18th century pirate.

And while you’re at the store, you might as well pick up some fruit and oh you might be out of chicken again….

Going to the grocery store is like some kind of strange loop, in a circle, in a hoop that never ends, like in your toddler’s favorite Pocohontas song, that she likes to listen to while not drinking her milk. At least you get to put more steps on your FitBit.

Future moms and Career Women! Don’t let me stop you from achieving the Work/Life Dream. There is a bright point! Sometime around month five hundred million of Milk Appeasement, your pediatrician will the say baby can drink whatever the family is drinking, so now you don’t have to buy two separate milks like you’re trying to negotiate between Rabin and Arafat.

So now you get to go and just buy one milk for everyone, One Milk to Rule Them All and in the Darkness bind them.

You just have to buy that two gallons more often.

At least you get to put more steps on your FitBit.