I started reading Confederacy of Dunces on the train this morning. It is so, so good and so, so funny. I am bummed I didn’t know about this book earlier.
One of the things it reminds me of is my own novel, which starts thusly:
From the moment he spilled his apple juice on his pants on 7:30 from JFK to Tel Aviv, cruisng over Munich, Michael Shtulman knew he would die airborne. He always looked for omens to tell him where his day was headed. If the waitress took too long to bring the check, it meant the day was ruined. If he forgot to fill up the car on his way to work, he might be stuck in traffic, or more likely, die in a gruesome car accident that would get only a passing mention on the local Fox News affiliate. If a black cat crossed his path it meant his unborn and unconcieved daughter would only get into a safety school instead of the Ivy League she was created for, and next thing you know she’s a stripper and his parents are rending their clothes yelling at him in his bedroom (in his head his parents always yelled at him in his bedroom) “What have you done to our granddaughter?.” These were the kinds of things Michael Shtulman worried about on a regular basis. So, the apple juice was a bad sign.
Obviously, my beginning is pretty terrible since it’s just a rough draft, but the main thing is that both protagonists are schmucks, a type of character that is growing in the West, both in novels and real life.
I wrote my novel based on some of the Russian guys I know or have heard of in the Russian community: in their early 30s, unmarried, still living at home, helpless in America, the country their parents struggled so hard to bring them into. But a schmuck doesn’t have to be a specific nationality, just a man who’s forgotten how to do stuff men are supposed to do: fix stuff, protect stuff, and make a good living for his family. In fact, we don’t have to look far to find them: they’re all over Judd Apatow’s movies.
Now, I LOVE Judd Apatow movies. Paul Rudd’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of my favorites:
But their whole premise is that they reward the man who has regressed into infantility. Why? Because men aren’t forced to do the stuff they did before anymore: fix stuff, take stuff apart, kill things for meat, and so on, and in doing so, in sitting at the computer 8 hours a day for white-collar jobs, I think men have lost something of being men. And I really wanted to explore this phenomenon, of the helpless man, in my novel, and now that I realized Dunces has already said everything there is to say on the topic, I don’t have to edit it anymore! Piece of cake.
I think the phenomenon is greatly elevated in immigrant cultures, where guys are babied more and girls are expected to have their stuff together. I have no links for this. Just a hunch I have on years of being raised as a chick in a Russian-speaking community.
Could you argue that the fact that I think an increasing amount of men are schmucks as a result of the post-industrial age is sexist? 100%. You could say that, since women don’t work in the home as a majority anymore, we’ve lost something of being feminine. Of wearing dresses and corsets and ironing and making stuff from scratch.
You could say that my view is tinted by nostalgia. Except, even though we work, we’ve picked up both work AND after-work work. Mr. B and I have a fairly egalitarian marriage and try to mix up gender roles as much as possible. I mow the grass and Mr. B folds laundry. But I still do most of the cooking and about 65% of the cleaning and oversee the rest. We tried this thing where he would prep stuff for me in the kitchen i.e. peel potatoes, boil pasta, chop vegetables, etc, and I would do the rest of the recipe, but that came to an end when I got tired of telling him just how to do stuff and found it was easier to do it myself. Sometimes Mr. B comes home before me. Ideally, he’d at least have the ingredients out. But only I know what ingredients we actually have in the house, and whether we can make pasta or couscous or salmon or pizza that night. Mr. B is the smartest person I know, and always more than willing to help. But the more I’m married, the more I realize there is something to that “woman’s touch” analogy, that we make stuff come together at home that men can’t, and I can’t put my finger on why.
The fact that this stock photo exists is why I love the internet.
But I digress. Back to the schmucks. They exist because in America, if you don’t want to grow up and you grew up in a middle class household, you don’t have to. As long as you work, pay the bills, do whatever, you can lounge around well into your mid-30s or even early 40s. You don’t have a biological clock that’s ticking, no bear is threatening your homestead, and no gender norms are forcing you to make money while your wife is segregated at home. That’s why I find Confederacy so interesting: it predicted the rise of the dudebrahs by at least 40 years, and I can’t wait to finish it.
Your Mr. B sounds like my hubby when it comes to helping in the kitchen. Just today the oven timer went off, telling me that it was time to flip over the food inside it. He thought it meant that the food was done cooking, and turned off the oven even though I was racing towards it telling him not to touch it. After I got the situation under control, he told me that was a good example of how he just can’t do “kitchen stuff” as well as I can.
I used to be like that, too. I had no idea what was going on in the kitchen until I realized Mr. B and I would starve if I didn’t make stuff. It took me probably six months to a year to figure stuff out, which is why I suspect guys don’t want to take the time to learn. Although Mr. B does make a good omlet.
You have an interesting take on the novel. I recognize that excerpt as the part where I went, “hmm, this guy is creepy and distasteful. I hope he’s not the main character.” I only read another 10 pages or so – there was nothing in it that struck me as funny.
He is creepy and distasteful…maybe even has Asperger’s? That’s why I love it. He’s so awful I can’t look away.
In the bear-hunting days men didn’t live past 40. Now that we are safely protected, there is all this time to waste.
This is both my favorite and least favorite aspect of American culture. Favorite because I enjoy trying to figure these people out and watch how they live their lives (and judge them) – they’re like a new and weird species of apes. And least favorite because these are the people I’ve had to deal with my entire life.
As I said on FB, this is one of my fave books. I haven’t read it in a while (maybe since that time in high school), so I don’t know if it’s tinged with feel-good memories because of the way it helped me get a 5 on the AP exam or because it’s actually that good.
When Max and I first moved in together (I was 19, he was 22), neither of us knew anything about cooking beyond salads & omelets, so we learned to cook together. He’s more of a meat specialist, but he makes great soups & salads, too. I bake and we are definitely each other’s sous chefs, especially since he’s got a way with knives.
Re: schmucks — we live in a society that encourages this type of behavior because you can either hire someone to do everything for you or you can choose to live a life of non-contribution. It’s a combination of technological advancements that let a person sit at a computer all day and do everything — shopping, communicating, etc. — via the computer or other device, and bad parenting where helicopter parents enable their children to mooch and don’t teach them self-sufficiency.
That’s something I’m always worried about: how much time I spend on the computer. I try to have at least 2-3 hours of downtime a night, but it never works out that way.
Hello
Totally agreed with you on the “schmuck” thing. Guys just aren’t the same, and definitely aren’t as “manly” anymore. Thankfully my bf is fairly old-fashioned + Russian, so I lucked out in that department, but I’ve definitely come across enough schmucks who are more like women than men.
And I’m totally going to get flamed for this (apologizing in advance for offending anyone, but it’s true in my opinion), but men are like this because women aren’t what they used to be, either. Instead of a feminine woman in stockings and styled hair serving a decent meal at the end of the day, the majority of men are married to women who can only make cereal, who don’t own a tube of lipstick or a pair of high heels, and who can’t speak normally (barks, acts bossy, rocks the boat) instead.
I’m not against women working, being educated, having opinions, etc., but I AM against women who leave the house in stained sweatshirts with a baggy pair of pants, no makeup, a pen holding their hair in place, and absolutely no femininity (not to mention no respect for family values, keeping the home, taking care of a family).
Let’s look at the both sides of the coin: men used to have to go to work and make a good living for their family, but that was when they had wives who kept the house spotless, looked perfect at all times, etc. Things have “evened out.”
“I’m not against women working, being educated, having opinions, etc., but I AM against women who leave the house in stained sweatshirts with a baggy pair of pants, no makeup, a pen holding their hair in place, and absolutely no femininity (not to mention no respect for family values, keeping the home, taking care of a family).”
Haha, that’s me
I am TERRIBLE at picking out clothes, wearing the right kind of makeup, and up until college, I totally did the pen thing. I really wish there was a woman school that would teach you how to do stuff. I never had female relatives very close to my age that I could learn from, so as a result I am a very awkward dresser and makeup-er. You could argue that you can learn ANYTHING online and I guess you can, but somehow makeup really intimidates me.
Oh, totally didn’t mean to insult you (I hope you are not offended). But even though (from what I’ve read on here), you’re not huge on makeup and stuff like that, you and Mr. B are a very cute couple, and you DO try to keep shalom bayit and keep your home “homey.” That is a HUGE component of what I think is wrong with society today- people not taking time to eat dinner together, talk, have family values, do something beyond eating a microwaved defrosted pizza standing up at their kitchen counters. It’s about the “hominess” (is that a word)?
Noo way, no insult meant. I really wish it was an area I was good at. Yeah, hominess is important. I don’t think our house is quite homey yet, but we still have a lot of stuff to hang. Whenever I’m over at other people’s houses, I can instantly tell if it feels homey or not and try to emulate them if it does.
PS (not to be creepy, but I feel like I always am, anyway), I LOVE teaching makeup and stuff like that to other people. I had a co-worker who had grown up with no “female influence” whatsoever. When she started, she had bitten-down nails, didn’t know that makeup existed, dressed EXTREMELY awkwardly, did not know what stockings are, had never understood jewelry/accessories, etc. She was honestly a disaster (trying not to say this in a bitchy way).
By the time she left for another job, she was MUCH better. Obviously, where she works now she doesn’t have any Russian co-workers (I wasn’t the only one, there were 4 of us, and we all brainwashed her nonstop), so it’s harder, but she is absolutely like 500% improved from how she is when we met her.
(I love “molding” and “brainwashing”)
What would you suggest as a start?
The best thing is to start with one thing. Don’t feel lke you have to learn about hair, clothing, makeup, accessories all at once. Start off my figuring out a great haircut or hairstyle, or how to do your eye makeup, or a nice lipstick. Figure out the most flattering colours for you, or the most flattering cuts of clothing (good pants are very important). Find a really great accessory (bag, scarf, jewelry) that you love. Figure out one area at once, go slowly, and don’t be afraid to learn new things or ask for advice.
<3
It SEEMS very daunting, but it’s not. There’s no rush!
Holy crap, so many typos.