- The fact that everyone is optimistic here. Sometimes in an indignant way. Like you tell someone, “There’s no way we can get that done,” and they’ll tell you, “Why not?” and it’ll be in an incredulous way. Usually here, if you have grit and determination, you can do anything you set your mind to. Or, you’ll fail, but at least you’ll try instead of being resigned about it. Anyone can make it here.
- Champagne mimosas for brunch. Whoever invented brunch is a genius. Whoever invented champagne is even more of a genius. Champagne is my beverage of choice, because I am an American and I value freedom. I don’t even care if Champagne is French and my favorite brand is Italian. Here, we drink Freedom Fizz.
- Efficiency. What is efficient in America? Everything. Drive-throughs. Parking spots for expecting moms. Automatic checkout at the grocery stores. 1-hour drycleaning. Returning stuff without receipts. Christmas in July.
- Innovation. High-tech. San Francisco. iPads. The fact that Big Ben Tweets. It makes me so proud that we’ve compressed the invention of hundreds of years of technology into about 10 so that I can read BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG right now.
Things I hate about America:
The fact that American optimism, love of brunch, efficiency, and innovation has led to this:
It’s PANCAKES WRAPPED AROUND TURKEY SAUSAGE. ON A STICK. SUPPOSEDLY. DO YOU THINK IT’S REAL? IT’S AN ATROCITY.
MY GOD AMERICA, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
EVEN DON DRAPER IS ASHAMED.