Our New Routine

  • Work
  • IKEA Couch is delivered
  • Unbrideled enthusiasm for 15 minutes as you finally have a place to sit
  • IKEA couch is defective (obviously)
  • Call IKEA
  • Wait 30 minutes on hold
  • Heart rate is up
  • Yell at IKEA representative
  • New couch will be delivered!
  • In three weeks.
  • Work
  • Sleep
  • Weekend
  • Put together bed delivered from Overstock.
  • This takes you four hours.
  • Decide now is when you’re ready to paint your bedroom.
  • You hate yourself.
  • Drive to Home Depot
  • Buy six paint samplers of the color green in remarkably similar shades
  • Paint all six onto the wall. Pretend you’re in The Yellow Wallpaper.
  • Drive back to Home Depot, get one color. Hand over your wallet.
  • But wait, you also need a painting tarp and a tool organizer.
  • Drive back home
  • Tape walls for 2-3 hours, tape carpet for 1 hour
  • Paint for 6 hours
  • Hallucinate from the fumes.
  • It was a good hallucination.
  • Examine handiwork.
  • Coat of paint is uneven.
  • What.
  • Paint for 1 more hour.
  • Hallucinate. This time you see Jonathan Rhys Meyers riding a unicorn.
  • Watch TV for
  • Coat of paint is uneven
  • Screw this
  • Sleep
  • Work
  • Work
  • Drive to IKEA for kitchen chairs
  • Buy 6
  • Five are great! One is defective
  • Alcohol
  • Work
  • Weekend!
  • Dad comes, says bedroom painting is sloppy.
  • Tell him he can sleep in the radon basement.
  • Mom says the green looks like “you sleep in a swamp.”
  • Tell mom she can sleep in the radon basement with dad.
  • Pretty kitchen table is delivered from West Elm.  It is PERFECT! PRAISE ALLAH.
  • Work
  • Try to muster up 30 minutes to take pictures of the house for the blog.  Realize that your camera, your camera cord, and your computer are on three different floors. Also, your computer is lying down, turned on, on the carpet of your office. Not worth it.
  • Drive to IKEA to return defective chair
  • Feel like you’re a prisoner of IKEA. A prisoner of economics.
  • Since everything else is EXPENSIVE AS HELL, decide, after three weeks of looking online for alternatives, that you will buy an IKEA desk, even though you’ve been burned in the past.
  • Desk is in-stock, legs are out of stock.
  • You will have to drive to IKEA AGAIN.
  • But not today.
  • Hate your life.
  • Hate your husband.
  • Hate yourself.
  • Drive to Home Depot.
  • Buy grill.
  • Realize you also need charcoal, lighter fluid, spatula, weed killer.
  • Connect Home Depot to your checking account automatically.
  • Work
  • Think about how you will have to go to IKEA today again after work.
  • Contemplate homicide.
  • Read your to-do list
  • It is not getting any smaller.
  • Cry quietly.



18 thoughts on “Our New Routine

    1. Thanks..great video! Unfortunately, we had my dad, a painting pro, come to help, with some interesting results. More next week.

  1. OK, really? You’d have better luck at Goodwill than Ikea, I think. Plus it adds a little variety, and the thrill of the hunt.

    I highly recommend Behr paints. If you can tolerate the fumes (which, it appears, you can), they cover more effectively than anything else I’ve tried. 1 can Behr covers as much as 2-3 cans other brands.

    1. We’ll check out Goodwill. The problem is that we’ve been to ALL of the furniture stores in the area and I’ve been to all of the furniture stores online (oh yes I have) and we need a whole house full of furniture so the thrill of the hunt turns into a pain in the ass.

  2. Also, your computer is lying down, turned on, on the carpet of your office.

    And that, my friend, is the scariest picture in my mind’s twisted eye. Is it naked or is it wearing sexy lingerie?

  3. Wait a minute. You have a three story house?! And to think I felt sorry for you and your IKEA misfortune. Well my dear Strawberry, I wish your legs arrive soon. See, I am big hearted like that, even though you outclass me by at least one level and a basement too.

    1. We have 3 stories, but the last one only has our office on it. Since we live in a kind of urban area, the house is more vertical than horizontal, row-house like. So don’t feel too bad for yourself. And who knows? We could get imaginary arthritis.

  4. My mom said that everyone will have consistent headaches as soon as they walk into our house because our paint colors are too bright. Unfortunately, we do not have a radon basement, where I could have sent her, so I had to re-direct her attention to the popcorn sparkle ceilings left by the previous owners. It worked for about 2 weeks…

  5. I think I identified the problem. You keep going to IKEA and yet not stopping to have the Swedish meatballs with lingonberry sauce. It’s like you don’t want to be happy.

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