So we have some Jewish holidays coming up. More specifically, the New Year. Inspired by this post, I am listing all my wrongs from the past year in hopes that the internets will forgive me.
- I have watched Jersey Shore, on more than one occasion, and have rejoiced when Ronnie cheats on Sammi, who is too stupid to break up with him.
- I have pushed past tourists on the D.C. escalators who stand on the left-hand side when everyone KNOWS you are supposed to walk on that side. It’s not a May Day fair, people. Some of us have to get to work. That includes you, poorly-dressed tourist man.
- I have eaten chocolate malted milk balls from the “in bulk” section at the grocery store when no one was looking. But only two at a time, I swear to God.
- I have woken Mr. B up before 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday. More than once.
- I have gossiped. Oh, how I have gossiped.
- I have said, publicly, that the worst part of working with Jewish organizations is the Jews.
- I have eaten horrible, horrible, delicious things in mass quantities.
- I have stalked innocent author Gary Shteyngart through his Facebook page.
- I have been in a situation with a mechitza and compared it to the Holocaust.
- I have purchased “food” from McDonald’s and eaten it in the car, then chewed 5 pieces of gum so Mr. B wouldn’t know.
- I have defended Mizrachi music.
- I have yelled at motorists who annoy me with a selection of words in Hebrew, English, and Russian.
- I have written a blog filled with horrible, horrible things, which other people actually read.
Happy New Year.
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Shana tova!
Thank you!
So now that I have a baby this was going to be the year that I did more Jewishy stuff and I even planned on going to services tomorrow…except now I have to have a root canal instead, what is wrong with this picture?
What’s worse: Root canal or going to services with a baby
Oh and Shana Tova to you and yours!
Oy! If all these sins are you at your worst …
Also, do Tashlich — this way:
For ordinary sins, use – White Bread
For exotic sins – French Bread
For particularly dark sins – Pumpernickel
For complex sins – Multi-grain
For twisted sins – Pretzels
For tasteless sins – Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision – Waffles
For sins committed in haste – Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes – Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah – Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana – Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs – Poppy Seed
For arson – Toast
For timidity – Milk Toast
For high-handedness – Napoleons
For being sulky – Sourdough
For silliness – Nut Bread
For not giving full value – Short bread
For jingoism – Yankee Doodles
For telling bad jokes – Corn Bread
For being money-hungry – Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For telling small lies – Fudge
For war-mongering – Kaiser Rolls
For promiscuity – Hot Buns
For racism – Crackers
For sophisticated racism – Ritz Crackers
For being holier-than-thou – Bagels
For unfairly up-braiding others – Challah
For provocative dressing – Wonton Wrappers
For snobbery – Upper Crusts
For indecent photography – Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment – Dumplings
For the sin of laziness – Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical – Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery – Bismarcks
For over-eating – Stuffing Bread or Bulkie Rolls
For gambling – Fortune Cookies
For pride – Puff Pastry
For cheating – Bread made with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For being snappish – Ginger Bread
For dropping in without calling beforehand – Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight -Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable – High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy – Brownies
For rearing children incompetently – Raisin Bread
For immodest behavior – Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others – Tortes
For hardening our hearts – Jelly doughnuts
For abrasiveness – Grits
For recurring slip ups – Banana Bread
For davening off tune – Flat Bread
For impetuosity – Quick Bread
For silliness – Nut Bread
For risking one’s life unnecessarily – Hero Bread
For auto theft – Caraway
For excessive use of irony – Rye Bread
For larceny (especially of copyright material) – Stollen
From http://www.bricklin.com/crumblist.htm
Cute! I like it!
L’Shana Tova!
Please keep writing a blog filled with horrible, horrible things. (By which I assume you mean biking in 90 degree weather, right?)
L’shana tova! Now that it’s fall, it will be freezing cold weather.
Vicki:
Your list suggests what a clean life I live
Except pushing past or mumbling in various languages at tourists who stand on the left on the escalator. I must say I used to “Links gehen, rechts stehen” was a universal rule till a blog-reader over at mine pointed out that it wasn’t true in Japan and indeed one would find differences in custom between two Japanese cities too. I try to remember that with Japanese tourists and then I think, this is NOT Japan, this is England.
Happy New Year to you!
PS: Did you use “food” in the same sentence as McDonald’s? Ok, I see the quotation marks.
This is just the blog-publishable list. The little black book contains much worse.
McDonald’s is food in much the same way Nutella is a nutritious part of your daily breakfast (that’s the new ad they have). Nevertheless, I persevere.