My unborn children are annoying me

According to Russian tradition, babies are born wearing fur hats.

According to Russian tradition, babies are born wearing fur hats, which they shed only on their watery alcoholic graves.

You know how your mom always tells you, “You’ll know when you have kids someday,” whenever you do something annoying/lifeshattering to her?  My mom did the same thing when I was little.  And now, it’s coming back to haunt me.  Except, we don’t even have kids yet.  We don’t plan to have them for a couple (light)years, but they are already worrying the hell out of us.

“What should we name our 2.33 kids*,” I begin to play the dangerous game with Mr. B, adding, “keeping in mind that people with desirable or attractive names are treated more favorably by others than are those with undesirable or unattractive names?”  He stands and thinks for a minute, and I can already hear his nerd brain going 186 miles/second. “How about Euler?”  I give him a look that clearly signals that I don’t want little Oil to be beat up every day.

“How about Gauss?” I give him a look even more pointed than my sharpest felt-tip Sharpie at work.

“Lucifer?”  “Well, it does mean light-bearer,” I say, breaking out my Latin, “but NO.”  He looks back at me.  “Ok, what would you suggest?”

“Oh, I don’t know, NORMAL names like Ilana or Avi or Gabriel?  You know, names that have meanings in Russian, English, AND Hebrew, like your name?”

“No, those are all stupid.  Our kids will get teased in school,” he says, pensively.

“Yes, because Lucifer won’t.  We can even call him Lucy for short.”

There are other things I worry about, as well.  What if our kids are born with some sort of defect?  Like, what if, for example, they have tree man skin?  Actually, that would be freaking awesome (knock on wood) because I am obsessed with the tree man and really, really want to touch his skin and rubberneck.
What if they are born normal, but don’t want to learn stuff in school and just want to skip geometry class and watch Hannah Montana in the bathroom and get high (this is what I think third graders do nowadays)? What if Mr. B and I are not able to indoctrinate the kids like we want, into learning the value of education, of being decent people, teaching girls that they have every right to be empowered and boys that they should treat girls as empowered, and they run away after college and become impregnated with someone’s anchor baby?  What if, God forbid, they don’t enjoy languages or chess or going to Smithsonian museums for hours on rainy afternoons?  WHAT IF THEY HATE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST?  I don’t think I could live like this for long.  I really hope they make post-natal abortion legal in that case.  What if they turn out all American and are disrepsecting of our traditional Asian values, like the heartbreaking but eventually self-satisfying stories of the Joy Luck Club?

My unborn children are also making me think about saving up money for college.  Every time I go to the store to eye a trench coat, my subconscious tells me, “Guess what you won’t get to buy when you have kids?!  Because you’ll always be broke and pretty much all of the money you now spend on Oiishi Sushi will go to diapers or razor blades or whatever it is that you buy kids these days.”  And then I sigh and buy the trench coat, because, life is short, and it’s still a while before I’m tied down like a slave by the gentle financial chains of a 529 college savings plan.  They are definitely not going to Harvard.  Not unless they’re freakin’ Matt Damon. And even then, they better not be getting with Minnie Driver, because, Oh God.

These are just a sampling of the concerns I have.

Goddamnit, you kids are annoying.

*because two is too few for us, who are both only children, and three is just too many to spend my retirement money on so they can go to college and smoke weed and talk about how Anne Frank is really a metaphor for our whole secret existence while I am shelling out $10k a year out of what could have been my Going-To-Japan and eating real sushi fund.




8 thoughts on “My unborn children are annoying me

  1. Heavens above! Children in third grade do not get high!

    That happens in fourth grade.

    ps- would you like a xanax?
    pps- I like Lucifer as a name. Cool. Imagine how that kid, by name alone, would command respect of all his dominions erm I mean classmates…

  2. 1. Your unborn children annoy me as well.
    2. The name is a non-issue. In due time, your parents will notify you after which dead relative the baby should be named. And thus it shall come to be. See if not.
    3. Purchase today, for thou shalt become a fat blob after the kids come, and anyway, fine fabrics can’t withstand applesauce, jam or any other child-induced stain.

    1. 1. THANK YOU.
      2. Sadly, thank you again. They are already pulling for Sarah after my grandmother, but, I mean, COME ON. Not even Sarit?
      3. I will purchase yesterday

  3. I was checking with the Rolling Stones, and that one line, “Just call me Lucifer ’cause I’m in need of some restraint,” seems to indicates that most of your worries are related to each other. Of course, I can never be sure that I’m interpreting Mick Jagger correctly.

  4. Holy crap I can’t believe I haven’t found your blog before.

    Lovely. Just, lovely.

    I especially like the cartoon with Golda.

    Listen, you really don’t have to worry about whether they’ll waste your money and trash your values as adults. they’ll do far more damage as toddlers, forcing you to watch Thomas the Train or Dora the Explorer when you’d really like to settle down with a nice Umberto Eco and a glass of wine.

    By the time they get REALLY annoying, you’ll already be batshit crazy from having to raise them, and won’t notice. No, really? How did you think all your friends’ parents GOT that way? ;)

    1. Thanks for the advice! I never thought about how crazy my friends’ parents were before this, and glad to know all the pain is front-loaded. :)

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